Are you Pretending? Why?

On 26th December, 2025, I opened my journal to find this question staring at me:

“Are you pretending?” “Why?”

I couldn’t give a direct No. So well, there may be something. 

But I didn’t know just yet. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out. 

I am one of those people you may perceive to be calm. 

My eyes reflect clarity. 

My brain doesn’t continuously overthink. 

I am rarely anxious. 

My appearance shows positivity. 

And all emotions that are easy to accept and understand get addressed. 

Because I make efforts to help it be this way. 

I practice calm. 

Yoga, planning/ tracking, and journaling are part of my daily routine. 

I have started to prioritize nutrition and understanding my body. 

They help me notice what’s there. 

And often I am able to touch the tip of the iceberg because of it. 

So I do know that there is something. 

But I abstain from delving under the surface. 

Often, I try to navigate myself away. 

From the parts I am afraid to even see, or acknowledge. 

Or I tell myself, maybe later. 

But I get busy or keep myself occupied. 

Work, home, doom scrolling. 

Emotions submerge, and pile up. 

I feel it in the silences I create to rest and slow down. 

The silences I wish for calm begin to exhaust me. 

Thoughts, negative incidents, alien emotions come all at once

And alone as I am, I want to run away 

Not knowing how to even begin to uncover what’s inside.

I emerge, the calmness taking over like a facade

Choosing rhythm to beat the feeling of overwhelm inside

It helps, but cracks open at random 

Leaving me bare, exposed and full of doubts about my situation 

I want to understand. I want to notice and sit with what’s difficult. 

Only where it would lead, I have no imagination

A place of numbness or overwhelm again?

That leaves me worse than when I began? 

Only if someone could lead the way,

Or be with me, as I enter the hallway 

I have been submerging for ages

I do not know what to expect 

A monster, or a little kid crying in the corner 

Memories I wished forgotten 

Or truths I hid to keep myself protected 

It’s difficult, and I know it 

Do I wish to deal with it? Maybe not. 

Not if I can pretend

Pretend to rejoice in Christmas

The warmth, the coziness, cookies fresh from the oven 

All created so I could find joy in the little things 

And not think about how life feels lonely despite everything 

Some days I hate myself for it

What good am I, creating joy instead of being in it

I wonder why this pretense

Just because ‘tis the holiday season?

And a large section of the people trying to make it magical 

What if they are like me too

Just pretending, even if life is chaos

Trying to find joy 

Even when it’s difficult

Reasons to celebrate, be with loved ones

And create joy even if it’s missing 

Is joy created or felt?

Is it not a pretense if it's created?

Or is it supposed to be created if not easily found?

But does that mean not looking at the hard parts? 

But if you look at the hard parts, would you be able to find joy?

I feel like I am overthinking, overfeeling all at once

It’s not as difficult

Not always

Just the holiday season is

And some other days 

When I wish to be happy 

To enjoy life 

To witness the magic 

And I find it hard on those days

More than usual

To believe, and have faith 

And wish someone could do that for me 

Create magic 

So I can believe once again.

PS: Just some musings from my experiences during the holiday season - some real, some borrowed.

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